Filled with hesitation and self-doubt, the past year has been the toughest of years thus far. (And to think there are many more years and life lessons to come 😅)

Every one is dealing with their demon(s) and doing their best to keep going. It’s important to understand where your support lies – they are the greatest that will ever come into life.

Something pulled the “demonic mindfuck” trigger last year and it’s been one hell of a ride. So far. Through it all, I’ve become closer friends with great people, I’ve learned to focus on the bigger picture/main goal more, and I’ve learned to be less stubborn and stuck on an idea or thought and letting things go.

Of course, that’s not the end of self-improvement and there are many other things I need to work on.

A few things brought to my attention:

1. Apparently I put myself up for failure before even trying. I need to learn to be more self-confident and have more faith in myself.
2. My average screen time this week is about 8.5 hours a day, with a total of 33 hours and 30 mins the entire week. “To think if you put that many hours into something, how great you’ll be” Yeah, but I enjoy playing these phone games 🙂
3. I care a lot about my loved ones (family, close friends). Always on my mind, hoping things are going well for them. I reach out – but ya know, we don’t wanna bring others down so we only speak of the positives. I enjoy hearing what’s really on a person’s mind and have those deep conversations. I appreciate a person being an asshole but being their real selves, rather than a person being nice but fake. Just be your true, natural self.

It’s been such a rollercoaster going through these “demonic mindfuck” waves. I know there’s more to life than drowning in them. Breathing and finding projects to occupy myself to pull me out of the current.

Hey kid, don’t quit your daydream yet
I know you feel locked out in the cold
Seems like you’re lost and alone
Hey kid, don’t listen to your head
It only fills you with dread and with doubt
Left lookin’ for an easy way out

These thoughts keep yelling,

Leaving me broken.

Everything is changing,

Leaving me with confusion.

This fight is ever so exhausting,

Leaving me restless.

This struggle is a yearning,

Leaving me thinking.

Will I ever make it to the other side?

Will I ever make things right?

I don’t know.

I will keep trying,

For you and myself.

I know you believe I can,

The struggle is convincing myself.

I can.

I will keep fighting.

I hope everyone has a great 4th of July! I’m lucky enough to see my parents, and to hangout with friends with Vince and Delilah all in one day.

Wow! I literally just saw a post from you last night. I was scrolling on FB as usual when one post caught my eye, saying that you’re no longer with us. Rock climbing was your passion, especially free-soloing.

I’m so speechless right now. I feel honored to have worked with you. I’ll definitely miss seeing all of your adventurous posts.

Rest In Peace, my friend! 🧗🏼‍♂️

Last night, we met up with friends and their puppers at the farm. We got there pretty late but let the puppers play in the field. Keido is 4 months old and towers over DPants. While we were out in the field, we heard this strange noise. The next minute, we see an armadillo swooshing on by. At the time, I had zero clue as to what in the world was happening. It sounded like and felt like one of those green shells from Mario Kart flying by. Super wild.

I’m back to this blog 7 years later and how wonderful to be reminded of the poem written for Aaron. I still miss him – it’s been 11 years.

Last year, I started to feel so much anxiety and fighting so many negative thoughts. I reached out to a coworker who is now become one of my best friends. I knew from the our mentorship experience and time working together that she would understand and help as much as she could. Turns out we share the same types of anxiety and depression – not about the same things of course. We all have our inner demons. Our friendship and connection really begin shortly after, and I’m truly grateful.

There are times when I’d get in these super weird funks where I randomly start crying before I fall asleep and a bit after I wake up before getting out of bed. I’m not exactly sure why this happens.

Sometimes, I think I have a odd sense of connection with loved ones, and I can feel what they’re feeling. The weird funk happened yesterday, and I found out that Vince was feeling super down too. Perhaps I was feeling what he was the night before and that’s why I had the random cries. I don’t know, I’m still trying to test that theory out and wonder why I get randomly super depressed.

Maybe it’s also me trying to figure out life and what my purpose is still. Is that a forever thing that I’ll be constantly trying to figure out? 🤷🏻‍♀️

This last year, I tried to work on being more open about my feelings. I feel a lot more comfortable talking about them, more with certain people of course. This year, my personal goal is learning how to be by myself and finding things to keep me occupied when I’m alone.

I’m not always alone, I still have my cute puppy around to keep me company. With that, I’ll leave this photo.