I miss the days when I used to be more independent, when I had more self-confidence, when I had more self-worth. I used to believe in myself more. How did I lose faith in myself?

I enjoy having people I can go to for support, but over the years I have lost myself and depended more on others for validation. I work so hard to prove to my parents and manager that I am good enough and worth it. However, it seems like no matter how hard I worked or what I did, it was never enough.

I changed who I was to appease them. I shouldn’t have had to change. I shouldn’t have lost my independence, self-confidence, or self-worth. I am who I am. I can change for the better, but shouldn’t have to lower my standards.

Almost 2 months of rebuilding myself and realizing that I need to care less about others. That’s not who I am though. I care a lot about others and put them above me. It’s why this is such a struggle for me. I should stand up for myself, but feel guilty doing so sometimes.

I want to be “okay” again. This so-called new chapter is such a struggle. In reality, I’ve been struggling for awhile and haven’t done anything about it until recently (early summer).

“You can be whoever you want to be now.” What if I don’t know who I am anymore?

“I’m proud of you for all the hard work you have been doing on yourself lately.” Why can’t I feel the progress?

Life is like a Video Game

The Universe’s message and its predefined path for you can be such a rollercoaster. People tell you to live your life, do your thing – but is it really yours to live? People come and go. Things happen for a reason. I’ve been seeing many of these quotes in what seems to be trying to send me messages and to guide me.

As crazy and nerdy as this all sounds, but it feels like this life is a video game. Are we replaying (reliving) a level until we can beat it to be able to to move to the next level? Once we’ve beat that level, we’re onto a new level and everything is completely new and you’re having to learn everything about it. The scenery is different. The challenges are different. Am I supposed to go here or there? What am I supposed to do now to level up?

Sometimes it feels like things from the previous level should be brought with you to the next (current) level. It feels like we are in a multi-player game and we’re all supposed to be working together towards a goal, but then a teammate gets stuck behind so you’re doing all you can to save that person, but the level keeps going. What do you do? You don’t want to leave the teammate behind knowing you need to save them, but you also have to keep playing this game…called life.

Maybe once they find an extra heart (extra life in the game), we will meet again and continue playing and fighting on. Maybe they will completely restart and find a different game to play. I don’t know, it’s not my choice to make for them. I can only lend out a hand for so long, before I must continue on with my level.

Train Your Mind

Easier said than done when the thoughts in your mind are what gets you in trouble.

Easier said than done when you’re fighting those mean thoughts on the daily.

Easier said than done when there mean people in this world.

It wouldn’t be worth it if it were easy. Something worth fighting for is never easy. I am worth fighting for.