Friendship Requires Sacrifice

There, I said it.

I have met and talked to a lot of lonely people lately, and let me tell you it breaks my heart because I remember those days like I remember the smell of burnt popcorn. That memory is never going away, and when I think about it the ache it throbs like it was yesterday.

In Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness, she says that being lonely even shortens your life expectancy. I don’t say that to create fear, but to let you know that that longing is LEGIT. I think we’ve treated friendship like a luxury for far too long; friendship isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.

Listen, here’s what I want to say even though it might feel like salt on an already wounded heart (I promise you I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t think it was really really important):

Good, deep, lasting, sister-like friendships require sacrifice. To have good friends you have to be a good friend. If you’re only willing to invest a once-a-year meet-up, you will get back a once-a-year depth of friendship. If you never text back and you cancel every get-together…you will not get back deep friendship.

Listen, I know you’re run ragged and you have almost nothing left to give. I know you’re exhausted and fed up and you can barely make it through the day. I KNOW. Believe me, I know. The problem with finding friends in adulthood is that we are all exhausted and on our last pair of yoga pants. None of us have a ton of extra. Finding a tribe in this stage is like a bunch of starving people on a deserted island trying to help each other find food. It’s pretty rough. No shame or judgement here but the thing is, if you want a tribe you have to find a way to make space for those relationships.

It means showing up.

A couple years ago my son broke his arm on the trampoline. Our friends happened to be there at the time. My husband jumped in the truck with my boy and rushed him to the ER, and without a word our friends loaded me and the other kids up and followed them in. While I ran shaking into the emergency room, they went and bought pizza and comforted our other three sobbing kids.

These friends have shown up again and again, and we’ve shown up for them. Nothing can substitute the history of the times we stood alongside each other through hardship. Nothing.

It means making sacrifices.

I’m a big advocate of boundaries; it’s super important to take care of your needs. I also think it’s important to make sacrifices for the friends that you choose (key word, the ones you choose). Maybe that means meeting up with them when you don’t feel like it. Maybe it’s doing something you don’t want to do to help them out. Deep friendships require serving, loving, and giving.

It means not being a fair-weather friend.

It means not disappearing when the going gets tough. A few summers ago I had an absolute meltdown. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave my house without multiple panic attacks. One of my friends showed up every single day. “What are you scared of today?” she would ask. I’d tell her and she would say, “It’s just the anxiety; you aren’t dying I promise.” And I would weep.

I still get tears in my eyes thinking about it now.

I try to be a “fun” person to be around and I feel insecure when I’m struggling. This friend showed up when I wasn’t fun; in fact, I was down right depressing to be around. And now this friend isn’t just my friend…she is my sister.

It means pursuing.

It means sending texts to check in on them about that thing they were worried about. It means grabbing a gift when it makes you think of them. It means asking them to meet up for coffee or even better a kidless, glass of wine.

It means texting back when you’re almost asleep and you get a text, “hey you up?”

It means dropping everything and grabbing two large Diet Cokes to bring to their house when they’re feeling down.

It means choosing.

Listen, you cannot give the same level of friendship to everyone. You have to choose the people you are going to pursue and to whom you give your heart to. I’ve come across the idea (often) that it’s wrong to leave anyone out, but I kinda think that’s silly. That’s like saying that it’s selfish to marry one husband because, what about all the single dudes. We should be kind towards everyone (obviously), but we cannot give our heart to everyone. It’s definitely okay to choose the people you invest in; in fact you have to if you want depth of friendship.

*Side note, just because someone has a lot of needs DOES NOT make them your person. Sometimes the people that shout the loudest force their way into the center of our universe. Make sure you’re choosing your people on purpose and that they’re the kind of people who will give friendship back.


You my friend are worth it. You truly are. Even more than the spa day and the ten minutes alone in the bathroom…you need this. We all need this. We just weren’t meant to travel this life alone and in my opinion, there’s no time we need each other more than in this season right now.

Written by Wonderoak by Jess Johnston

Extreme A vs. Extreme B

It’s either you are “this” or you are “that”. There’s no seeing it from the other person’s point of view. There’s no taking the GOOD from either sides and working together to IMPROVE TOGETHER.

It’s always the blame game. They did this. They did that. Great – not everyone is perfect. People make mistakes. What are we doing to resolve the situation? What are we doing to diffuse the situation? Are the ways we resolve and diffuse the situation standardized?

We’ve always done it this way. Well – has it been working? Is there room for improving the approach? Absolutely. There is always room for improvement.

If 2020 isn’t a huge karmic lesson, then I don’t know what is. It’s enhancing people’s behaviors in society. We’ve got global pandemic, the entitled egotistic, the racists, rioters, looters, vigilantes, fires, double hurricanes, sex traffickers we are just now publicizing, and many other things unnamed. The best part of it all is people are criticizing more about rioters and looters destroying cities and walking out of sports games – that’s more of a concern than people’s lives. Lock them up! Let them have a trial!

Also Breonna Taylor was a nurse sleeping in her home when she was murdered.

I had envisioned us piloting space crafts in 2020, not experience America’s history. It’s time for a change, to evolve. Everything cyclical and used as lessons – they will repeat and reappear until we learn from them.

Time to break from tradition. New methods! New ways! Embrace change!

Avatar: the Last Airbender

Although it’s a cartoon, there’s a lot relatable truth to what’s going on currently.

The power-hungry nation with one agenda, to seek more power even if it destroys homes and kills innocent lives. The rest of the world living in fear, separated from one another.

Aang, the Avatar, came back to find that his nation had been wiped out by this power-hungry nation. His friends, Katara and Sokka, lost their mom to the same nation. Together, they fight for justice to restore balance and unity in the world.

I’ve rewatched this show several times before, and just finished rewatching it. It’s amazing how a kid’s show can speak truth on so many levels.

Human Decency

It is amazing how there are so many “privileged” people out there feeling the freedom to speak negatively about certain races / communities.

Why are there so much negativity? Why do you have to go on a racist rant? What is it resolving? “Your egotistical-self, thinking everything has to be about you” issue?

“Somehow I clicked onto some live event,” he said after catching himself.

Just don’t be rude and you won’t have to be worried if you’ve accidentally gone live on social media. It’s. Not. That. Hard. To. Be. Kind.

Someone has told me “thanks for proving me that saying no to your hatred is exactly what I needed to do.” This was after putting my owns struggles aside to help this person through a difficult time. This was after being forced to open up and having to talk every day. This same person had the audacity to say that I wanted to talk all day. If anyone knows me, knows I hate talking.

It’s become clearer now than ever that people will instigate until a person or group stands up for themselves and speaks up for themselves. Once this occurs, said person or group are seen as “bad parson” causing trouble and chaos.

Why target a black man running, just running, and kill him?

Why barge into a black nurse’s home and shoot her multiple times, killer her?

Why have the weight of your knee and your whole entire body on top of a black man’s neck for 8 mins and 49 secs, killing him?

Why treat the Black community differently?

Why are we still fighting for equality for communities still?

We are witnessing all of these riots and some are thinking “is this necessary?” Was the Black Wall Street / Tulsa Massacre necessary?

I am tired. The Black community is tired. The LGBT community is tired. It is tiring fighting for equality and to be seen / treated fairly for so long. Let’s learn some human decency and be kind. Treat everyone with kindness. All Lives Cannot Matter until the Black, LGBT, Asian, Mexicans, Indians, and all minorities (not white) are treated fairly.

Sometimes it may require to experience it to understand, but sometimes practicing empathy helps too. If you and your family were treated with such unfairness all of your lives, would you be okay with it or would you stand up and fight for your rights?

Take a Step Back

Think about where we are today in society, how we are behaving, and how we are reacting. Why? We’re supposed to be past such hatred, judgement, and discrimination – especially during a heavy time while we are all still facing the global pandemic.

Yes, the virus stemmed from China, but not all Chinese people are to be blamed and bullied.

Yes, citizens may have committed illegal actions, but that doesn’t permit the right to knee the person’s neck till death.

Yes, we are all struggling during this time. Many have lost loved ones due to Covid-19, many are struggling with their mental health, many are figuring out their next steps because of lost jobs. There’s a lot going on right now, the last thing we need is hatred amongst each other.

If someone wants you to put on a freaking mask to make them feel comfortable, then wear the freaking mask.

And with the hatred against the LGBT community. Who cares who they love? Does it really impact you and your life?

Please don’t be offended I didn’t include your community into this post. Everyone should be treated with love and care. We should all be working as a community, helping one another.

Put your ego aside and try to imagine yourself in another person’s shoes for a moment, and see how you’d feel in their position. Nobody enjoys being bullied and hated for who they are. We are all people who struggle differently. No one is better than anyone else, regardless the title you might have.

All of this hatred and negativity is unnecessary. Covid-19 isn’t the virus, Humans are. Can we try to support and lift each other more?

Distance Makes the Heart Fonder

There are some things that cannot be fully explained or taught, but to be experienced by going through the motions and facing the emotions. While we are all impacting by this global pandemic, directly or indirectly, this is a perfect moment to reflect on how grateful we truly are. If the most worry is what to snack on or binge watch next, then you’re mostly likely living a great life – cherish it.

Understanding that this moment of our lives may be uncomfortable sometimes, allow yourself to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, process those feelings, and move on. Be gentle with yourself in those moments. There are a lot of energies and vibes all around with the uncertainties of this global pandemic and planetary movements / moon cycles. Some people feel their moods change during normal planetary movements, moon cycles, and weather changes normally. It’s okay to not be okay.

Is there something that sparks joy within you? Perhaps find time to partake in that hobby. I’m sure everyone has a creative side no matter what it is – art, music, writing, photography, videography, woodworking, sewing, teaching, etc. Even if you don’t think you do, I’m positive you do and you are great at something! Whatever it is that makes you happy, do it!

Distance does make the heart fonder. There’s a lot of things I miss and a few things that I had to reschedule / cancel. In the end, it’s all okay as long as my family, friends, and I are continuing to stay healthy and taking precautions. We will be able to hangout soon! I’ll be able to have my Sunday brunch at Black Walnut again!

I’m definitely enjoying quality cuddle and frisbee time with my Delilah!