Ugh, these panic attacks are so exhausting and paralyzing. I just stop and can’t process things logically anymore. What happened? I hate this. I want to snap out of this and I just want all of this to stop. This is so frustrating, but I need to find ways to breathe.

It’s fine.

I will forever cherish the ones I have made.

Imagine being out in the ocean, waves pushing you back every so often. After a few times, it’s okay and you swim closer to shore. Imagine that happening constantly and you become tired of swimming back. Then a big wave hits you – it’s utterly overwhelming and seems like there’s no energy left for you to swim up to gasp for air. You’re just tired and drowning.

That’s what happens when you get hit with depression over and over again. You just get tired of trying. You lose hope. The feeling of sadness won’t go away. It hurts everyone around you. People get disappointed. People leave. People always leave.

“People don’t leave. You push them away.”

Yeah, maybe that’s true because I know the damage I can cause and that’s why I have a hard time letting people in. Once I do, people see my inner demons and are afraid and don’t want do anything with me anymore.

I have made so many mistakes lately. My mind has been so clouded that I impulsively acted on feelings – anxious feelings. I overthink. “Stop overthinking”, they say. Easier said than done. I would love to, but I just can’t sometimes.

My mind and thoughts can be so destructive. If I’m being hard on others, it’s because I’m battling something huge inside my mind. If I become quiet, I’m processing. If I’m processing, I overthink. If I’m overthinking, game over. Vicious cycle.

I know I need to sit and process these emotions to get them out of my system, but they can be so painful sometimes. No one else really seems to understand it or want to talk me through it – or maybe I just don’t want to be the source of any negative vibes.

So I hide. I don’t really want to go out. I do it because I feel bad saying “I can’t” all the time. But then I feel bad going and somehow getting lost in my thoughts – and I’m just quiet.

This is not easy, but I’m trying.