I was so much happier 11 years ago – miss you so much Aaron ❤️ Rock on, Rockstar

I need you to remember this about friends:

1. Friends are a gift. Treat them well. In fact, treat them how you would want them to treat you.
2. Friends challenge you to be better, not challenge you to compromise.
3. Friends support your dreams.
4. Friends show up for you.
5. Friends are a reflection of your heart too.
6. Friends make you laugh.
7. Friends, real friends, are worth fighting for.
8. Friends listen.
9. Friends don’t make fun of others.
10. Friends remember you.
11. Friends will tell you if you look good or that outfit doesn’t look good or if you have something in your teeth.
12. Friends are trustworthy.
13. Friends give back, they don’t just take.
14. Friends get “you”.
15. Friends care deeply for each other.
16. Friends get in the trenches, the messy spaces of life with you.
17. Friends are empathetic, but they don’t let you wallow.
18. Friends have your back..
19. Friends are a gift, never take them for granted.
20. Friends make you a better you.

All of these years of not being able to feel my feelings and getting reprimanded for expressing them. I’m allowed to express my feelings. I’m allowed to be sad, angry, happy, whatever the emotion may be.

You don’t punish a person for having feelings when they’re hurting. You work with them to boost them up. You especially don’t go to HR to open up an investigation case.

Ugh, these panic attacks are so exhausting and paralyzing. I just stop and can’t process things logically anymore. What happened? I hate this. I want to snap out of this and I just want all of this to stop. This is so frustrating, but I need to find ways to breathe.

It’s fine.

I will forever cherish the ones I have made.

Imagine being out in the ocean, waves pushing you back every so often. After a few times, it’s okay and you swim closer to shore. Imagine that happening constantly and you become tired of swimming back. Then a big wave hits you – it’s utterly overwhelming and seems like there’s no energy left for you to swim up to gasp for air. You’re just tired and drowning.

That’s what happens when you get hit with depression over and over again. You just get tired of trying. You lose hope. The feeling of sadness won’t go away. It hurts everyone around you. People get disappointed. People leave. People always leave.

“People don’t leave. You push them away.”

Yeah, maybe that’s true because I know the damage I can cause and that’s why I have a hard time letting people in. Once I do, people see my inner demons and are afraid and don’t want do anything with me anymore.