It’s interesting and relieving (in a way) to finally understand these feelings, emotions. I reflect and realize that I’ve had this sadness inside of me since I was a kid.
I remember hearing that I would be okay, having tons of fun and then all of a sudden breaking down.
I remember hearing how quiet and shy I was, and forced to say hello or have a conversation when I didn’t want to.
I remember wanting to be alone in my own space.
I remember forcing myself to be more “outgoing” to try to fit in.
I remember witnessing others getting frustrated because I would take forever to answer the phone or respond back.
Finding myself, unlearning habits and behaviors is such a life-changing experience. It’s so crazy how brainwashed you get growing up from traditions and external influences. Better late then never to realize what jives and what doesn’t.
It’s been repeated to me multiple times, lately, that I’ve been living outside of my heart. I don’t disagree. I care and worry about others too much. It’s time I care for myself, because it’s clear that the only person who can save me… is me. I put time and effort to pull others out of their darkness, that when it’s my turn… it can’t be reciprocated.
As I’ve said and lived by for awhile now… it’s fine, I’ll just do this all by myself.
Enough with these mundane 9-to-5 jobs. Or 9-to-5 and then nightly hour jobs. Never-ending work hours. Why live and work for someone else’s dream, when you can live for YOUR DREAM? What sparks your soul and makes you feel alive? The amount of time and energy spent already, could go towards what makes you happy. If you’re at the point of your life where the 9-to-5 job is your only option, then that’s understandable. However, if you have an opportunity to work towards your passion, then go for it!
It’s going to be grueling and time-consuming upfront, but it’ll be totally worth it in the end. Set small goals and work towards them. Eventually the finish line will be here before you know it.
I was recently asked to think of a word to live by this upcoming year. Obviously, picking just one word or one anything is a challenge in itself. I went with “patience” initially, then “grace” and “progress” were thrown into the mix.
In a world of instant gratification and constant technology changes, it feels hard to keep up with it all. It’s easy to forget to take a step back and just breathe. Taking thing slowly. Practicing patience, waiting, and letting things happen.
With things that are controllable, definitely go for it and take charge.
With things that aren’t, don’t force it – be patient and let things be.
You are your worst enemy. Would you say those hateful, negative words to someone else or to your younger self? Giving yourself some grace for what you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come goes a long way. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best that you can and that is enough.
Growing up, aiming for perfection was the main goal and really the only thing acceptable. If it was anything less than perfection, all hell broke loose. Aiming for perfection is unrealistic and adds on unnecessary stress. Perfection is not real – it is masked with lies.
Outlining and small manageable goals / milestones is more realistic. What is the end goal? What are the steps to reach the end goal? Are there different options or approaches if one doesn’t work out? Progression will always feel better than perfection. There will be bumps along the way, account for the road bumps and don’t let them get in the way.
All that matter is that you keep going. Everything amazing is worth working towards and for. You are amazing. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Always find ways to progress and improve.
With that said, Hello 2020… looking forward to collaborating with you.
As this decade is coming to a close, I reflect on what I have experienced to learn and grow from the lessons.
Switched majors from Accounting to Management Information Systems (MIS), pressured to graduate on time
Grieved from the loss of a great friend to Cystic Fibrosis
Experienced other losses that were traumatic, in my opinion
Moved out and learned to live on my own
Landed a rollercoaster ride of a career post-graduation
Through my chats with my therapist, it’s become clear that I was made to feel embarrassed and ashamed to express feelings and emotions throughout my life. The truth is – I wasn’t living MY life. Every step of the way has been dictated and influenced by others as if my wants and needs aren’t important.
Decisions continuously being nitpicked
Words not being genuinely heard
Reprimanded and ridiculed for showing emotions
I have always felt alone – an outsider – like I don’t belong no matter what friend group I end up being in. There are a few people who I truly feel comfortable with and I am thankful to have them in my life – thankful for their patience and understanding.
I may not know my purpose in life, but I do know I need focus on me and continuing to better myself. Realizing that I have suppressed past emotions and traumatic events, I need to work through those feelings as they have reached its internal capacity and overflown. I was so busy and caught up with “succeeding in life” – college, independence, career – that I didn’t take the time to breathe and enjoy life for what it was in the moment.
I strive for a better life, but for now, I need to take a pause and work on myself first. I need to set more boundaries. As much as I want to be, I’m not a superhero. I cannot take on everything. As best as I can, I will still be there for those close, loved ones in my life if needed.
Although life has not been so kind to me in the past few months, I still believe in kindness. There’s too much evil and coldness in the world, to become cold as well. However, my kindness will be extended to those who I deem worthy of it. My attitude and behavior has been and will continue to be a reflection of others.
I have been recently told that I have great judgement of people, which I believe to be true. I can tell someone’s potential. If we are friends and you have a dream or passion for something (good) – I will 100% tell you to go for it and support you. (I will not support any decision that’s harmful, evil, or hateful.) We all have setbacks and off days – and that’s okay. Take a breather, do something else, and come back to it. I (sometimes) may push too much, but I know your worth and want to support you to stay on track. At the same time, it is your track, your journey, your life.
Even though I still have my beliefs and intuition about certain situations, I have to just let the universe do its thing and let it be. Just like I need to make decisions for myself – you need to make decisions for yourself.