As this decade is coming to a close, I reflect on what I have experienced to learn and grow from the lessons.
- Switched majors from Accounting to Management Information Systems (MIS), pressured to graduate on time
- Grieved from the loss of a great friend to Cystic Fibrosis
- Experienced other losses that were traumatic, in my opinion
- Moved out and learned to live on my own
- Landed a rollercoaster ride of a career post-graduation
Through my chats with my therapist, it’s become clear that I was made to feel embarrassed and ashamed to express feelings and emotions throughout my life. The truth is – I wasn’t living MY life. Every step of the way has been dictated and influenced by others as if my wants and needs aren’t important.
- Decisions continuously being nitpicked
- Words not being genuinely heard
- Reprimanded and ridiculed for showing emotions
I have always felt alone – an outsider – like I don’t belong no matter what friend group I end up being in. There are a few people who I truly feel comfortable with and I am thankful to have them in my life – thankful for their patience and understanding.
I may not know my purpose in life, but I do know I need focus on me and continuing to better myself. Realizing that I have suppressed past emotions and traumatic events, I need to work through those feelings as they have reached its internal capacity and overflown. I was so busy and caught up with “succeeding in life” – college, independence, career – that I didn’t take the time to breathe and enjoy life for what it was in the moment.
I strive for a better life, but for now, I need to take a pause and work on myself first. I need to set more boundaries. As much as I want to be, I’m not a superhero. I cannot take on everything. As best as I can, I will still be there for those close, loved ones in my life if needed.
Although life has not been so kind to me in the past few months, I still believe in kindness. There’s too much evil and coldness in the world, to become cold as well. However, my kindness will be extended to those who I deem worthy of it. My attitude and behavior has been and will continue to be a reflection of others.
I have been recently told that I have great judgement of people, which I believe to be true. I can tell someone’s potential. If we are friends and you have a dream or passion for something (good) – I will 100% tell you to go for it and support you. (I will not support any decision that’s harmful, evil, or hateful.) We all have setbacks and off days – and that’s okay. Take a breather, do something else, and come back to it. I (sometimes) may push too much, but I know your worth and want to support you to stay on track. At the same time, it is your track, your journey, your life.
Even though I still have my beliefs and intuition about certain situations, I have to just let the universe do its thing and let it be. Just like I need to make decisions for myself – you need to make decisions for yourself.